Country Bumperstickerkins

What is it about military wives in J-Vegas and their damn bumper stickers? Ancient civilizations used tattoos to show belonging, rank and status. While the Desperate Housewives of Jacksonville feel that same urge to proclaim their allegiances, they are far too lazy to trifle with the ink and needles. Much easier just to slap a trite bumper sticker on the back of their vehicle in order to free up their days for Wal-Mart outings and tanning sessions.

All the preferred bumper stickers offer up a heaping serving of Semper Stupid motivation (especially considering that most of these wives are riding the coat tails of their beloved husbands) but what do they really tell you about the woman behind the wheel?

1) His Boots, Her Flops: A Perfect Pair

These girls are the new freshman class of Marine wives. Their brand new shiny husbands told them that they would begin their marriage in a quaint little hamlet by the sea named Jacksonville.

A quick glimpse in to her mind: "OMG! Isn't my hubs like sooooooo smoking hot?... especially when he is in his blues. LOL! Marines totally have the best uniform. So glad I didn't marry that kid who joined the Army. Can't wait for the next Marine Corps Ball. I am gonna look like freaking Cinderella. Totally going to start working out and get in shape so I can post the pics on Facebook and all the girls back home will be jealous. HATERZ!! Maybe I will start running on the beach. Yay beach! When hubs told me we were coming to Jacksonville, I was all OMG it is like right on the ocean. I can wear flip flops year round. Of course, Jacksonville isn't quite what I expected. There are a lot of pawn shops and some weird dude who does karate on street corners. Nobody wants to hire me at McDonald's cuz there are like 50 million other Marine wives around here. Maybe I will start throwing Passion Parties for all of my new friends... that will make some dollar$. If not.... well... I hear the Driftwood is hiring. LOL! Just kidding. My hubs would like totally kill me if I did that. Speaking of, isn't my husband sooooo hot?"

Where to find them: affixed to the bumpers and windows of Honda Civics, Volkswagen Jettas and Ford Mustangs parked at the mall (natch!), Chilli's, nail salons and the beach.

Honorable mention: His Boots, Her Heels, His Boots, Her Boots (hers being cowboy boots), I put the Ooh in his Oohrah!, I Heart My Jarhead, I Heart My Grunt and I Heart My Lance Corporal.

2) the stick families

The fairytale is over for these ladies. They have been through a deployment or two. Being a military wife is now all about the politics of the Family Readiness Group and picking up the husband's uniform from the cleaners before it closes. It is also serious baby making time. What good is having an ID card and all this free medical care if you don't pop out a kid... or ten?

A quick glimpse in to her mind: "Ughhh... why is he up so early? Oh right... he said something about duty last night but I could barely hear over the wails of Baby Susie. Poor thing is teething right now. Maybe he'll be quiet and not wake... oops. Too late. Toddler Billy just came in to the room and is jumping on the bed. Of course, my husband expects me to get up and take care of those heathens. First order of business is coffee... which he expects me to make, of course. So insensitive! I mean, I got up at the crack of dawn yesterday to feed the kids. Got the school-aged ones off on the bus then dropped the three youngest off at the neighbor's house. Spent three hours at Wal-Mart shopping for groceries and stuff. When was the last time he did anything like that? What the hell does he do all day long? Gawd, I hope I am not pregnant again. Should definitely look in to birth control next time I go to the doctor. Maybe I will invite mom down next time he goes to the field. She should really spend more time with her grandkids. This girl needs a night out on the town!"

Where to find them: haphazardly slapped on Toyota Camrys, Ford Explorers and Kia Sedonas parked at Wal-Mart, Ci Ci's Pizza and the Naval Hospital OB/GYN.

Honorable mention: There are actually several different varieties of this type of sticker. The most Moto is the family swathed in camouflage but other popular options are a pair of flip flops or Browning deer heads for each member of the household. Some mix it up by showing each person's unique personality with soccer players, cowboys and even scrapbookers. Bonus points for including the pets... just don't forget the goldfish and hamster!

Or you could do this:

Still haven't figured out if this was a joke or if they really did name their kids Smith and Wesson. Anything is possible in J-Vegas...

3) Marine Wife, Toughest Job In The Corps

We have now reached the Varsity of Marine wives. Or should I say Marine Wives, since this kind feels that Wife is an occupation and should be capitalized.

A quick glimpse in to her mind: "My husband's success can be attributed to ME! I have made sacrifices. I was never able to have a career because we were always moving around so I became a Marine Wife. Look at that little princess married to the Boot over there. Babies! They just don't understand how hard the Marine Corps really is. And that frazzled woman with the five kids who hasn't even bothered to run a brush through her hair. Ha.. amateur! My life has been tough. I never actually raised my hand and took an oath or had to stand in the yellow footprints or went three weeks without a shower but Marine Wife is a tough job. I went to Jane Wayne PT once with my husband a few years ago and thought it was super fun and pretty easy. I even got up earlier than my husband did just so I could apply make-up. Sure, he does PT every morning but I power walk with the neighbor while pushing a stroller. That is hard core. I have never had to eat an MRE... well except that one time many years ago when my husband dared me to. It wasn't bad... especially washed down with a bottle of white zinfandel. So I totally understand all that he does to be a Marine but he has no clue how tough it is to be a Marine Wife. I am a member of an elite sisterhood. The Few, The Proud, The Marine WIFE!!!"

Where to find them: proudly displayed on Volvos, Lincoln Navigators and PT Cruisers. This kind is rarely spotted off Camp Lejeune and New River but, if forced in to town, they can be seen at Target, Wines and Wares and the USO.

Honorable mention: Anything that reminds you that HER husband and HER children's father defends your freedom, you communist bastard! Bonus points for a license plate frame that says the same.

4) Half My Heart Is In Iraq/Afghanistan/Haiti

Yikes! This one is the trickiest of them all. What probably started out as a sincere sentiment of longing for one's better half has now turned in to the equivalent of rolling out the welcome mat for extracurricular activities while the husband is deployed. That was a nice way of saying these girls are skanks.

A quick glimpse in to her mind: "So bored now that husband is gone. I can't believe he dragged me to this hell hole and then waltzed off to some foreign country. He is probably having the time of his life. This place sucks! I hate him! That's why I put on my finest tube top and my new sparkly lipgloss and am sitting on this barstool. I need to feel loved again. He didn't even call me today. Bastard! There are like fifty guys here totally checking me out. He doesn't even realize what he is missing. The guy next to me is buying me a shot every ten minutes and I can't even get one stinking phone call. Whatever! Shot Guy is way hotter anyways."

Where to find them: Hooligan's, Sharpshooters, The Tarheel, Alexander's, The O House, House of Rock, Priscilla McCall's and Victoria's Secret. No specific type of car.

** Big thanks to the mobile Viva J-Vegas Team for helping me gather pictures of all of these bumper stickers. I couldn't have done it without you guys.